


Mirror Seeking Reflection

by fresne



Category: Vorkosigan Saga - Lois McMaster Bujold
Genre: F/M, Konstantin Bothari POV, Konstantin childhood, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Murder, Rape/Non-con Elements, Yuletide 2015, Yuletide Treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-24
Updated: 2015-12-24
Packaged: 2018-05-08 23:55:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5517833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fresne/pseuds/fresne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He'd been many things for many people. The reflection of what they wanted. Something to sell. Someone to threaten. Someone to serve.</p><p>Each time, he'd turn until he found the reflection he was seeking.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mirror Seeking Reflection

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Elfwreck](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elfwreck/gifts).



Boy

There was blood dripping down Kon's thighs. He looked down at the dead man with the broken beer bottle embedded deep in his neck. Dead man's blood all over the floor. Glass too. It don't cut him. His ma has beat his feat often enough, Kon was all scars.

He don't remember how he got there. He were eating some stew and then he were there, blood dripping down his thighs. He hurt where the men, where they, where they, he hurts. A demon screams.

No, that were his ma screaming at the dead man. "You didn't pay for that." She kicked the body. His ma's eyes were wild. Demon had her tight. She screamed, "You done right, boy. Bastard didn't pay for that."

He blurred again. Demon screamed in his ear. They're cutting up the dead man in the kitchen. Bagging the parts. Demon screaming in his ear.

~+~

Shaska

"Shaska, I don't know if this jizzer is serious," said Red Sami taking a puff.

Shaska shook the Grecco they'd caught selling jimie weed on Kurgan territory. Grecco screamed. They always screamed. Demon chittered in his ear. It was just a rat.

Alexi was looking at Shaska sideways. He didn't like it when they looked sideways, but he was holding a man over a three story drop. He snarled at Alexi, who shrugged.

Red Sami said, "This is our block. This and the four blocks around it." He gave Shaska the look. The look that said let go.

Shaska opened his hands.

He looked out at the blocks. He looked down. It was such a small world he was living in.

He went into recruitment office the next day. Signed a lie to his age and slicked straight out of the blocks. Slick as blood.

~+~

Soldier

Sergeant thought to himself, "Take it like a soldier." He was a good soldier. Hit his superior officer in the face. Couldn't remember why. Vorkosigan's voice maybe. Soft smooth upper. Hated him.

Thirteen rounds of the staff and Vorkosigan standing there all the time looking him in the eye.

He held those eyes. He felt the ground soft under him. Ice maybe. Chittering ice.

That was fine. He was a good soldier. He could take the pain. He'd earned it.

When it was done, Vorkosigan said, "Good man," and nodded at him.

That night some rat came slimy on patrol and whispered at him. Whispered as if Sergeant didn't remember where he'd been before Vorkosigan had picked him up. Requisitioned him.

Soldiers could be requisitioned. Also knives.

~+~

Monster

The demons chittered at the edges of his ears. They crawled over his skin as he crouched at Vorrutyer's feet. Vorrutyer's shoes were glossy black like the eyes that shifted all around him.

A drop of Love's blood fell on Bothari's bare back. She was suspended from the ceiling. The Demon Prince was laughing. He laughed a lot.

Then time went white.

Bothari was screwing Love. She wasn't screaming. She couldn't scream. It was in her eyes. Demons whispered blood in his ear. One Demon in particular. Vorrutyer was screwing something into Bothari while he was screwing Love. They were both hollow inside, but he looked in Love's eyes and saw his death.

He saved Love. Honor stared him in the eyes and he slit the Demon's throat. Honor thanked him. He could have cried, but he was busy shattering.

~+~

Retainer

They only took the best into a Count's service. Twice time twenty year men. Bothari wasn't that.

They took men from the District. Bothari wasn't that.

He wasn't. He handled the careful edges of himself. He saw Lady Vorkosigan time to time. He remembered her naked. He remembered not enough.

Count Vorkosigan looked up at him and said, "Your report?"

Bothari gave his report. He ignored the fragments cutting in memory.

~+~

Hero

They slipped through the Caravanseri. It was dead. He passed a building where he'd killed a man, maybe. They all looked alike.

They came to the place that he knew. He should know it. He thought he should know it. He'd lived there. They carried the squalling baby. They slipped inside. He threatened old Hedda. That might hve been her name. She wouldn't say anything anyway. She remembered him.

The ice was very thin in the Carvanseri. Things chittered under the ice. He stamped on the floor. Lady Vorkosigan sighed. "I can't help but look at the insect and think what havoc they're doing to the wiring."

Bothari said, "No wiring."

"Hmm… but I can't help but keep thinking it," said Lady Vorkosigan. She wasn't smiling. That wasn't her expression. She was calm. She was like a lake. The kind that floated a body and didn't drown a soul.

Felt such sweet relief to know that even if he couldn't remember what he'd done and why, she did. Honor was holding in her hand. The fragments that she knew.

She looked him in the eyes and it was such sweet relief to give the choice to her. There didn’t need to be right or wrong. There only needed to be her command. He only needed to be her arm.

He brought his arm down.

~+~

Father

Elena looked up at him and held her hands out for inspection. They were clean. She and Lord Miles had dug up half the hill, but they were clean now.

He nodded his approval and she relaxed to parade rest. He looked at the wide clean lake and thought nothing. There was nothing to think. It was so clean by the lake.

He breathed in the air. Elena was breathing when he breathed. He thought, "I'll never let you see a city."

Then Lady Vorkosigan said, "Elena, you have to come up with us this summer. There's an exhibit on Wormhole Dynamics that is supposed to be amazing," she added then, "it should be given what I paid to put it on."

He wanted to protest. He wanted to draw a line.

Lady Vorkosigan looked him eyes.

He put his hands behind his back and nodded his approval.

~+~

He said, "One round of exercise, my Lord." Lord Miles gritted and put on his leg braces.

~+~

He sighed when he shook down yet another weapon from Lord Miles.

~+~

Martyr

Love stood with death in her hands. Her eyes were full of demons.

In that moment, that very moment, Bothari understood. He had been so long coming here. He looked Love in the face and she was beautiful. She hurt. There was blood still dripping down her thighs. There were still demons screaming in her ears. He didn't look at his daughter, who had Love's face. He didn't look at his Lady's son, who had her eyes. He looked into the demon dark and he said, "Lady, you are still beautiful." It was such a relief when Love pulled the trigger.

Lord Vorkosigan would see him home to the lakeside. He had Honor's eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> If after reading my fiction here, you would like to read more about me and my writing check out my profile.


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